Jakes story. I had the shock of my life when I found out I was expecting. Once the shock wore off me and Craig were delighted, I had a pretty difficult pregnancy from the get go with bleeding in early preg and once I hit 16 weeks my BP just sky rocketed, Every week I would go to my GP and every week she would send me straight to the Ulster, Despite ridiculously high BP swelling in my hands and feet, headaches and protein in my urine each week I was told the same thing by the doctors. 'your far too early to have pre eclampsia. You have probably always had high blood pressure but it is only now being detected because your pregnant' This was my first pregnancy, I had no reason to doubt what they were saying, Knowing what I know now however I would have done so many things differently. Eventually at 25 weeks after being admitted to the RJMH for one night and released one doctor in the Ulster agreed to take the necessary blood tests to check for pre-eclampsia but he double underlined in my notes 'does not have PE, tests for baseline only!' and once again like a ticking time bomb I was sent on my way. The next week I returned and managed to see the only doctor in the Ulster with two brain cells to rub together. She looked at the blood test results that had been done 'for baseline only' and did a scan and told me I should have been in weeks ago, She bought me in with the intention of delivering my little one who at this stage according to the scan only weighed 400g, However the Ulster had no intensive care SCBU cots neither did the royal and the baby would have needed one desperately to stand any chance of survival, so one day after I was admitted to the Ulster I found my self being taken by ambulance, miles away from home to Antrim area hospital. I couldn’t have asked for any more from the staff in Antrim, they kept me well informed, scanned me everyday for the 5 days I was there. On the Tuesday night my BP went dangerously high and for the first time with my PE I actually felt unwell. I had the most extreme heartburn you could imagine and a pounding head ache. They asked me to fast because there was a good chance I would need a c section that night, so I phoned the family telling them that there was a good chance that for better or for worse this baby may be coming tonight. However at this stage I was still only 27+3 so after an extra dose of methyldopa bought my BP back to the safe level it was wrongly decided that my baby would be better of in the womb for the time being at least until the steroid injections I was giving was given a chance to work. I had a restless night that night even though the doctors assured me that Jake had a 'good strong heartbeat' I couldn’t help but worry. The next morning came it was a Wednesday (forgive me because I cant remember the times, the whole day is a blur) The nurse came to do my obs, She tried to find the heartbeat with the CTG machine but baby was jumping around so she tried with the Doppler, she got the heartbeat finally but it was faint and erratic, so she took my breakfast of me and told me I was going straight round to delivery, I got there about five minutes later, she again tried to hook me up to the ctg but couldn’t get a trace, She tried to do a scan but I have to say even I could tell she wasn’t very good at it. then a Junior doctor arrived, He begun scanning my belly and I was looking at the screen thinking I couldn’t see a heartbeat but convinced myself it was just the way baby was lying, No one ever assumes the worst do they?? How could you forgive yourself for thinking that your baby could be dead? After a couple of minutes the doctor left to get my consultant, by this stage I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, I could hear the blood pumping through my ears but still I told myself, Everything is fine by the end of the day my baby will be here fighting for his little life in special care. My consultant came in, he was one of those lovely older men that everyone wishes they could have as a granddad, He too began scanning my belly, again I could see no heartbeat, no movement, no life. The moment he begun pounding on my stomach it slowly sunk in that something was seriously seriously wrong with my baby. Just as I had accepted that fact, he turned to me and said 'im so sorry but there is no heartbeat, the baby has died' Sometime in the five minutes it took to get me to the delievery suite my precious baby had given up the fight against my blood pressure. And that was the moment my whole world fell to pieces. Sat in a strange room with two strangers with no one I loved around me. The consultant popped out and the midwife sat on the edge of the bed and cried with me and held me until I pulled myself together enough to make the phone calls to the people I wanted beside me. I will never forget the look on her face, she didn’t have a clue what to say to me but her tears said everything. To have a life inside you one moment and then to be told it was gone has to be one of the most heartbreaking things you can ever be told. I phoned my mum first and broke down as I told her that her grandchild had died, I asked her to pick up Craig on her way past. I knew I had to pull myself together before phoning Craig as I knew I would have to speak to a receptionist and countless other people. But somehow I got through the phone calls and a while later my mum and Craig were there with me. They induced me a little while after this. They gave me a drip of some strange stuff to keep my BP under control during the labour, The actual labour was quite quick thankfully and in the early hours of Thursday morning Jake was born, He was so beautiful and perfect. He weighed only 1lb 12oz (800g almost twice what doctors thought he had weighed) but looked just as a baby should, When they placed him on my chest he looked just like he was breathing with the rise and fall of my chest I stared at him willing him to open his eyes or move or make some sort of noise, To do anything. He didn’t move, he didn’t cry, I never did get to see my precious babies eyes, but I know they would have been beautiful, just like the rest of him. After a very long and heartbreaking day I fell asleep shortly after he was born (probably mostly down to the pethadine I had been given). I awoke to him lying beside me in a beautiful satin bed and dressed in the tiniest clothes I have ever seen, I was given a beautiful booklet containing photos, hospital wristbands and his foot and hand prints. (Everyone commented that he had the biggest feet they had seen on a baby) Visitors came and went in a blur, The doctors asked me about a post mortem which I refused as they were all pretty sure it was the PE that killed him. I didn’t see the point of putting my baby through anymore when we had nothing to gain from it. I was allowed to go home on the Friday afternoon, It was so difficult to walk out of that room and leave my tiny baby behind, Part of me thought social services would be after me if I walked out and left that tiny baby alone, After trying my best to leave the room for about half an hour I eventually had to ask one of the MW's to take Jake away first so I couldn’t run back down the corridor to him, The moment they wheeled him out was the last time I ever seen my little angel. And that's exactly what he is, He is my little angel. He is my forever baby. He watches over all I do and I love him for it. I always will. Rest well my precious little man Im so sorry i let you down Love always from mummy xx